Thursday, 25 October 2012

Back At Fat Club (again)

Over the last 16 years I've tried all sorts of diets, fads and weight lost crazes, some have worked for a while, some not at all, others really well but no matter what, I have never successfully lost every thing I want to lose and kept it off and two months ago I rejoined Slimming World.  I decided that I was going to do every thing I could this time to stick at it and heard someone mention the idea of writing a weight loss blog. So I've decided to give it a go, for myself, to work out why I am back at my chosen fat club time after time, what it is that makes me start off so well and then eventually, sometimes very quickly, end up in what I affectionately call 'self destruction' and to give me an outlet to vent and be truly honest with myself.

But first of all, how did I end up like this, we'll that's easy, though I've never been skinny, until I left school I was fit, sporty and muscly, and while the boys at school were envious of my rugby player thighs, I certainly wasn't fat. But I left school and discovered the demon of alcohol, then I left home at 18 and discovered I could eat what the hell I liked and I did.  So there you have it, easy, I drank too much, I ate too much, of all the wrong things, and I didn't exercise anymore. And the weight piled on so very very quickly. 

So that's the easy bit, the hard bit, like for all of us, is shifting it.  I know the reason I find it so hard to stick to diets, it's because I still want to have a life, I still want a glass (bottle) of wine with my husband or a boozy night out with the girls and I am a foodie, I love cooking and love eating even more.  I also know I am a comfort eater. I reward myself with food and I comfort eat for a variety of reasons, I'm upset so I eat, I'm bored so I eat, I've achieved something so I reward myself with food or drink and then I'm cross with myself for eating so I eat again to comfort myself a bit more.  And I don't just eat, I often binge too, I'm a secret eater, I hide food at the back of the cupboard or eat the husbands or the kids sweets/chocolate making sure they are replaced before they notice. 

This isn't the biggest I've been, I was at my heaviest, almost 17 stone, when I got pregnant with my youngest child but unlike normal people I lose weight when I am pregnant, a combination of morning sickness (whoever called it that must be a man, there is nothing 'just' morning about it) and horrendous heartburn meant 9 months of throwing everything back up for me. A blessing in disguise really. I've often joked I should just keep having kids till I'm a size 8.

After my youngest I'd lost two stone and with the help of slimming world I managed to lose another 2 stone. By this time last year I was 4 stone lighter than my heaviest weight and feeling a tad chuffed with my little self.  But I hit a plateau, got fed up of paying £5 a week for a cup of tea and a chat with friends without losing weight (I can do that for free right?)/ So I jumped ship, several times to several different diets, that didn't work and I ended putting two stone back on.

So I'm back at slimming work and in two months I've lost 5lb, (not much, I know). I've already had several episodes of self destruction but that's why I'm writing this blog, to help me understand how and why I've failed so many times before. Because this time I'm being realistic, I'm going to lose weight but I'm going to have (lots) of weeks when I don't too, and that's ok as long as I get there in the end. 

Let's see what the scales say tomorrow night.  Hopefully I'll be celebrating (but not with food of course)